I woke up with a heavy heart

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. I’m not sure exactly why but I know where it came from. Last Friday night, I decided that I am going to watch the Korean drama series “The Moon Embracing the Sun”. And upon watching the first five episodes, I was crumbling in tears and my heart was breaking for such trivial things as the events in the drama’s plot.

Last night, I finished watching all 20 episodes and the moment I got up this morning, I couldn’t help but think about it more. Although dramas usually end in happy endings, I still ended up with so many emotions inside. I guess I am taking it very deeply and seriously but well, this is how it affected me.

In every TV drama I watch, I usually have more emotions invested in characters I can relate to. Well, maybe most of us do. And as for me, these characters are usually the unfortunate ones, the ones left behind, the ones set aside for another person, the ones with unrequited love.

Since I was introduced and came to love Psychology, I have always known myself better. I always think beyond what I feel, like the hidden motives I may have but have not recognized or the deeper reasons behind my judgment and my decisions. I’m not sure if this is good for me or if this is healthy even. But so far, it has helped me in a lot of ways. It has helped me to deal with my emotions, to have a better appreciation and understanding of things that come my way and most importantly, to learn and be true to myself.

I relate to these characters because in terms of romantic relationships, I feel that I have always been the unloved one, the one left behind, the one disregarded because of another, the one who looks from afar, loves from afar and hopes that someday, she’ll be noticed and be loved as well.

I may sound pathetic but during one of my rather serious conversations with one of my closest friends, we talked about being the ugly or the beautiful one. I know I have a lot of blessings to be thankful for and I am at a better situation than others but there are times when I feel sad not getting any attention from those I have always paid attention to. Then, she asked me if I had ever asked myself, “Why not me?”

And then it hit me. That was the question I never asked myself. I couldn’t. I feel far too blessed in my life, my family, my career to even compare myself to others. But I secretly had that questions dangling somewhere between my pride and my existence.

I can’t ask myself that question even now…because who am I to complain when I got almost everything I’ve wanted? My family is very supportive I’m financially stable for now; I’ve got a lot of good friends who are always there whenever, I have finished my studies and casually enjoying my life now that I have a good job.

But sometimes, I go home and feel lonely especially because I am distnaces away from my family. Although I have nothing against lovers, the more I am surrounded by people, the more I feel lonely, the more I see lovers on the streets, in public transportations and even in books and movies, I always feel more alone.

I know that life doesn’t revolve around romantic relationships and that there are always a lot of other things we can focus on, but there are always times when we just want to be held and to hold, to be cared for and to care for and most importantly, to love and be loved.

I used to believe that someday I will find that someone. I pray, sincerely prayed for that someone to come and be another source of bliss but I’ve always looked for him in people who were not meant to be with me.

Every time I give in, I give my heart away yet I always end up broken. Then I asked myself if there was something wrong with me. But they always make me believe that they are the reason and that the feelings were wrong. Until then, I believed I am not lucky with these kinds of things. Then, I came upon these words from a citizen commenting on unrequited love during a famous psychologist’s segment in an online site. He said that if it happens to you for three times, then the problem may not probably lie on the other person but on you.

I pondered on this, went through very conversation I had with those persons, tried to remember how I had acted in front of them, and realized my mistake. We should never expect to always find what we look for because then we’d be hurt if we find something else. We should never expect someone to love us back just because we loved them. We should never assume with just the smallest details, with all our biases and hopes running through the back of our minds. When you love, you always give a little of yourself and this you cannot take back. You only learn to find another side of you, another part of your heart that was born when you gave someone the part you used to have.

These many things I learned from all the pain and loneliness I went through. I know this might not compare to what others have experienced but I am happy that I have given those parts of me because I also freed myself from the many things that ensnared me before.

But I have given a fair share of myself that my heart was suddenly feeling empty because no new parts grew from of it. I somehow didn’t believe that I was capable of being loved anymore. I didn’t believe in marriage anymore. I know deep inside I still have these longings to be loved and to love but then I suddenly got scared. I was so scared of the future. I see people who desperately want to settle down but they have no one to settle down with. I was so scared of ending up alone that my heart fled from its true purpose, to hope and to believe.

Well, that may still be true today. I am still cared and somehow, I often feel that I am very difficult to love. Yes, I believe I am a very difficult woman, but a woman still.

I hope my heart wavers again and changes its course. I think I’m being too cynical about love and marriage at such a young age. I know things will get better and I will be better too. I just hope it would be sooner, when I still have this littlest of hope in my pocket and hope that I would wake up with a heavy heart but no longer alone.

revert

(May 18, 2013)

Last night was another first. My new TR friends, Rigel and Kat asked me if I wanted to come with them and have a few drinks because, after all, it was Friday. teheee. Friday. I know I'm moody and I've let a few friends down after turning down invites to drinks or movies after I've already agreed on going. There are days, or Fridays, yes, that I just want to go home asap, put on the most comfortable clothes, grab some chips and sola and watch my favorite series or TV shows. But there are also times when I'd rather not sleep on a Friday night and kill myself on booze and fun.

So, last night, we had an early dinner with my officemates because it was Karen's last day in the company. More of this here. We ate at 8065 Bagnet in Estrella, along Pasong Tamo. Their food is absolutely heavenly but utterly opposite their crews' attitude. Anyway, after the hefty dinner, I finally decided to go with Kat and Rigel for some drinks at a nearby bar. Rigel was suggesting we go to Central but I insisted we try Tides along J.P. Rizal. I was thinking of ordering just a few bottles of Antonov (my favorite vodka so far) but then we decided to order their promo cocktails.

I never realized how huge the place was even if I pass by it everyday, until we sat down and finally relaxed with the not-so-relaxing music they were playing. Rigel and Kat are closer than I was to them but luckily we had so much to talk about and college was definitely a common ground.

Actually, I haven't been drinking for the last year and my senses were approximating my usual alcohol tolerance back in college (when we regularly drank on Fridays). I was still sober until heavy rained poured and we had to go up the second floor for cover. We found ourselves a new table and old stories scattered with the cigarette smoke. I really enjoy getting to know people and seeing them let their guards down in front of me. I truly believe that the greatest stories are best told in the midst of alcohol. hihi

Because of my previous drinking sessions in college, I've come to love the idea of always being yourself and comfortably telling your friends what you feel, openly discussing things that would seem taboo or inappropriate for the very reserved and the conservatives and enjoying every moment, every story and every emotion that come my way.

I usually tend to be a people pleaser and I still do but I feel more comfortable now about myself. I've realized and have come to believe that you just have to be yourself, say what you feel, speak of your oppositions or praise and constructively criticize when you have to. I sincerely appreciate my friends who don't always try to make me feel comfortable and ask the most absurd questions or tell me I look hideous or insist their own opinions rather than those who always concede, try to be nice and go with the flow. Please, be more real.

Anyway, so after several drinks, more than I expected, i started to feel dizzy and my mind was completely losing sense, my body was losing balance. I was telling them I now had a fair share of shots and trying to laugh it off. Then it came to me and suddenly remembered feeling the same thing two or three years ago.

I forgot the date but it was one of those nights when, after dinner, we again decided to go for some drinks. We went to TK and upon entering the place, I saw a good friend and dorm mate Bong. He then offered me a glass of beer and challenged a bottoms up. And so i did. BOTTOMS UP! Then I sat with my friends and ordered our first round. A few moments later, Bong approached me again and challenged another bottoms up. Let me just tell you that the glass wasn't your usual tableware; I guess it could handle the same amount a regular Red Horse beer could. And so i did, again. BOTTOMS UP! Minutes later, his friend, Aman, whom I've known during the university elections, offered me another glass and another and another. Finally, they decided to go home after spending i-don't-want-to-know-how-many-hours there, leaving me with a tummy full of a little more than 8 glasses of beer, and obviously, drunk. But much less drunk, I guess, than my second overly intense and passionate encounter with alcohol.

It was my organization's final rites for our application process and we spent the night at a resort in Antipolo. I was having really nonsense (specifically, love) problems that time and irrationally thinking of getting intoxicated to get by. I think I vomited the day's meals and the night's booze. And I remember sinking into the bed, head first, and suddenly drowning into a dreamless sleep.

But last night was different. For a very brief moment, I felt that I've lost sense of everything except for my head's heaviness and finally decided to excuse myself to release the churning in my poor tummy moving up my dry mouth.

After that, i felt really good, actually, and equally sleepy. We then decided to go home and upon entering my room, like I did back then, I vaguely remember taking off my boots, changing my clothes, and slumping into my bed like a rabbit finally finding it's hole.

Rigel and Kat, you guys are awesome and just to let you know, you are one of the very few people to see me like that. Congratulations! hahahaha! You can now talk about me behind my back. Only if you'd dare. *evil grin*


the sober and not-so-sober me,
jen ^__^

here we go again...

Because I've always left my thoughts unkempt, I made this new blog to at least keep a record of those almost brilliant, absurdly random and creative ideas my brain concocts.

And for future references, I'd like to be reminded of how I was before and if I've made any progress as my pre-frontal cortex (biologically-wise) did.

Here I am again, trying another attempt at writing, my true love.