October 25, 2013

It’s my fifth day in my new work today and I still find myself thinking if I made the right decision. I know I don’t regret it but this new work will also cause a lot of changes. I somehow get along with my new officemates but I wonder if we’ll ever have the same closeness my former officemates and I share. Also, most people here work on the night shift so the office is a lot quieter during the day. And I usually don’t like “quiet”. Hahaha!

In terms of the work itself, I’m still getting the hang of things…a lot of things. I never really was a fan of financial stuff and haven’t imagined myself working for a financial news organization. But I am excited to learn these “stuff” and build another knowledge bank in my cluttered brain. Right now, I’m studying equities, M&A, capital offerings, banking, etc. I just hope I do really well on this job.

Things might change around here eventually since I am just starting so I’ll try to enjoy each experience until I can finally master everything in my work; and hopefully by that time, I’ve already realized why I came to this workplace.

Until then.

-October 25, 2013

separation anxiety

I feel so twisted right now. Last Friday was my last day in the office and up until now it seems as though things haven't really sunk in my consciousness. I finally resigned but it scares me how I can't explain what I feel, worse, I don't know if I feel anything right now.

Two hours before my shift ended on my last day, I cried so hard to one of my closest officemates. I cried not knowing where the tears were coming from or what they were for. And now I just feel so empty.

I know it's just work and my friends there will still be my friends even if everyone else would eventually leave the company. But knowing myself, this is the first time I am handling this kind of situation and apparently, I am not so good with goodbyes.

Separation anxiety. I'm not really sure if I am using this term properly but I know this is another turning point and turning points have always been difficult for me, detrimental sometimes.

I guess after my final exam, I would then understand what I'm feeling and come to my senses again.

It has been two days since I officially left the company. We'll see how it goes from here.

one dream at a time

My previous post was probably very downhearted, almost hopeless, I guess. But, in light of recent events, this post is gonna be a wonderful one.

I have a new job! yay! Although the opportunity came in in the least perfect time, I still feel truly blessed and extremely happy.

As I have mentioned in my previous post, I've been dragging myself to the office, killing myself with all the boredom that is work and constantly fearing that I am losing my 20s. I find myself running late almost everyday. And whenever I miss the shuttle service (which is most of the time), I feel so irritated that I have to start a day with this anxiety and inevitable frustration.

One Friday morning, I was so pissed off because yet again, I missed the shuttle service by a little more than 2 minutes. I got to the office in a really bad mood and impulsively and brutally typed on the url bar, "jobstreet.com".

I applied to at least 3 companies, if I remember correctly, and just as I was about to go home that same day, I got a call from one of the companies. The HR rep was asking me if I was available for an interview and an exam on Tuesday, the following week. I wasn't really thinking things through when I said, "Ok, I'll be there," and so I found myself pondering whether I should go on with it or not.

Firstly, I didn't want to take a leave anymore since I've already carefully allocated the days for my vacation leave; that is for Christmas and my trip to Seoul. Secondly, I will be very busy at work that week because of a production task.

I may sound like I overacted but I literally sat on my bed for roughly 30 minutes trying to decide whether I should go on with the interview or not. Eventually, before I went to sleep, i decided not to go anymore. I few minutes after I prepped my bed, I got a text message from the HR rep asking for my confirmation regarding the interview the following day.

Then, my room mate exclaimed that it was a sign and that I had to go. After all the pushing and pulling, i finally decided to go.

The interview was "ok" but the exam was a longer than I expected, probably the longest employment exam I ever took.

When I scanned the items, I saw that it was supposed to be a 90-minute exam but my interviewer said most applicants finish it within two and a half hours. As for me, I took a hefty 3 hours in answering everything.

After that, I decided not to think about it anymore or hope that I would pass considering the time I consumed. However, the following day, I got a call again and luckily I passed. Oh yes I did. hahahaha!

So I was then bound for my final interview in less than a week since I've applied. Although my friends kept telling me I would probably be accepted, I still tried to keep myself from hoping and thinking that I actually would.

I've seen the interior of their office and the first thought that came into my mind was, "I can work here." Well, just a backgrounder, I've been to at least three interviews this year and whenever I get in their offices, I always imagine or try to visualize myself working in their office. With this company, when I first came in their office, I liked it. hehe. And when I met my interviewers, I knew that I wanted the job. MY interviewers, by the way, are based in Hongkong and London so we had a video conference. It was fun and thrilling and I felt so comfortable talking to them about my experiences in the field of Journalism.

After that, I was told that they'd call to inform me whether I got in or not. I waited three working days and the call came congratulating me for being accepted.

It was overwhelming, surprising, happy. I felt incredibly wonderful.

And now, I am two weeks away from leaving Thomson Reuters and entering the exciting world of financial reporting.

Although I feel sincerely sorry for leaving my team at a difficult time, I still feel that this  new opportunity is also something that I cannot miss out on. It is also for my growth, not only for my career but for myself as well. Also, I am deeply saddened by the fact that I will also be leaving my office mates who have become my closest friends, one of my most precious circles.

But life as it is needs some moving on or should I say, moving forward. It was only early this year that I dreamed of practicing Journalism as a profession while taking up my masters in Psych. But just two months shy of 2014, I am welcoming this dream come true. ~_~

through these glass walls

*wrote this for my future self to reflect on whenever I doubt or lose grip

I’ve always thought that once you know what you want to do with your life and that you are dedicated in achieving it, you will eventually succeed. But maybe, not always.

I’m 23, almost. I know what I want. I know where I want to go. I know what I want to do. But at this point in my life when everything seems to be perfect for my goals, my dreams, I just feel disconnected. I feel so lost.

I want to become a clinical psychologist and I want to be good at it, if not the best. And I want to do this because I want to help people who can’t seem to help themselves. I am currently enrolled in the MA program in Psychology in UP and taking two classes this semester. I have a stable job. I have a very loving and supportive family. I have the best set of friends and I am physically healthy and well.

With these things in mind, how can I not have the motivation and the perseverance to pursue this thing that I want?

 And somehow it struck me that this could be it. This lack of excitement in life that bores me and keeps me wanting for more even if I generally have everything I need and want in life. 

Yes, I am twisted and damaged in many ways but I more aware of myself and who I am more than anyone else. I am not taking up Psych because I want to learn more about myself because I know myself, even more than I should. And also, it is not healthy to want to help others when you, yourself doesn’t even understand or know who you are.

The problem maybe lies within this self-awareness; that I know I am a very active person, an extrovert and that I am in constant need of human interaction, craving for new knowledge and exploration of something exciting or simply fun. I know I am lucky to have a job especially in this time and place where most people are either unemployed or underemployed. In my case, I believe I belong to the latter. I hate my job is the understatement of the century. I hate it. I kills me to not have a reason to get up really early every morning – forcing my clothes on and recklessly dragging my body to work. It’s exhausting and I don’t want to lead such meaninglessness at this age when I am most ideal and bursting with energy towards the most curious of ideas, thoughts, experiences. 

I feel trapped in these glass walls of the office, choking to the death of my youth. And it scares me that one day, I would ask myself what happened to these supposedly wonderful years of my 20s.

It was my choice and I don’t regret it, I never will. But leaving this job is also another choice, an ultimately difficult one. I know I will be leaving this company soon, probably next year. I’ve finally decided on that. I don’t see the point in it any longer. More so, I am not happy anymore.

Although I used to be cynical about happiness being the true measure of success, now I understand it and appreciate it more. I know it sounds so cliché but it is true. These digits on your payroll, the title on your desk – they really don’t matter. What’s important is that you don’t lose yourself whilst achieving your dreams. And in the end, happiness is the true measure of our success.

I do hope I regain the motivation and the drive I’ve had during the start of the semester. And I hope that the next job I get would make me remember my 20s in high hopes and immense fervor.

friends, tolerance and world balance

Today, I've finally decided to stop tolerating a friend's madness over something that is more than bad and less than evil.

I've always been tolerant towards my friends. I even used to be a sugar-coat(er) trying to pamper them with nice words or the warmest sympathy I can. But having guy friends around for a long time and being in their seemingly nonchalant but dearly concerned company, I've come to realize how important honesty is especially in times when everyone is trying to be empathetic.

I've actually done this once with a really really close friend. We were always on the same flight when it comes to love but after what happened to me 2 years ago (and this is yet another story), I finally decided to tell her things I should've told her earlier...that there will always be people whom we would love, with a love we've never known we could give, who can't love us in return. I felt I was the one who could give such advice because I know exactly how she felt because I've been there before and she knew that.

After telling her those things, I felt really burdened about how she might react but somehow happy to have had the courage to tell her things others are too scared to say. I just wanted her to understand that there are really things we can't get and the more we hope for it, the more it scurries away from us.

That was 2 years ago and now I am in this situation again where I want my friend to be happy but I know that what's going on is wrong. I've told her before about how I feel about all those things happening but I always end up feeling conflicted between her happiness and what's wrong and what's right.

I love her and I want her to be happy. For me, she is a really good person, worthy of respect and admiration. But certain unlikely things sometimes get even the best of us.

Honestly, I am getting tired of scolding her and telling her to do what's right because she doesn't listen. And when she cries, my heart just shrinks and I can only say sorry. Who am I really to tell her what she should do with her life. But as a friend, I can't help it. No matter how I try to understand her situation and how she feels I always feel bad knowing that.

But from now on, I promise to stay true to my morals and the values that I embrace no matter how difficult it is.

Truthfully, it's tiresome trying to help people who don't help themselves. I just hope that someday, things will be in their "rightful" places and balance be restored (for whatever that means).

enROLLment

06/03/2013 02:30:51 PM

YES! I am now a legitimate student, again. Yesterday at 2:30 p.m., my Form 5 finally came out and I am now officially a gradute student.

It still feels weird though because I always feel like a fresh graduate from UP. Well, I guess, it's time to move since it's been more than a year now. haha!

My enrollement yesterday was as amusingly peculiar as a déjà vu.

Me. UP. Form 5. Lines. Long lines.  

I felt like being an undergrad student again -- queuing, filling out forms, holding onto numbers waiting to be called, enlisting subjects -- although this time, I am now under the College of Social Sciences and Philosophy.

MA in Psychology. I still feel awkwardly weird about this but I am sure that this is something I want to do.


Anyway, while I was waiting in line, I became friends with another MA student. She was seated in front of me and I saw her clutching this white folder with some orange print in it. I then recognized it as the folder given to us during the pre-employment process. So, I tried talking to her by asking her if she's working in TR as well. Turns out, she is and we are actually batchmates (batch '07) and also worked in TR at the same time. I am the worst when it comes to names but she was really nice and we chatted until out turn in the line. She finished BA Political Science and now she's taking up Master in International Studies (MIS). She had this bright smile and she nods to whatever I say with all the sincerity in the world. Too bad I don't know when we'll meet again but I was glad I was seated next to her during that one hour of waiting.

After I got my Form5a, I went to the department for pre-advising and again, while waiting for my turn, I tried talking to the person next to me. I remember her name because we met several times that day. haha. Kat is already in her last year and just needed to finish her master's thesis to finally graduate. I was so amazed at her because th thing I am about to embark has already been her path and now she was almost about to finish it. But what was more interesting in meeting Kat were the things she taught me about taking up the MA program in Psychology. When I asked her about the subjects she enlisted, she told me she had to take three more subjects that are needed to be able to qualify for the board exams. I was confused because I thought only Ph.D. graduates could take the boards. But as she explained, it turns out that as long as you've taken the required subjects by the PRC, you can now take the boards for both psychologists and psychometricians. WOW. Hearing this from her suddenly lit up the 8-year allowance I gave myself to be able to practice. She told me other interesting stuff too about our adviser (we have the same adviser since we are both pusuing Clinical Psych), about other Psych professors and the subjects I have to take. I was so lucky to have met her especially during a time like this when I am still crawling up to the expectations and know-how of a graduate student.

I also met another graduate student who is also a TR employee. Sadly, we are focusing on different fields as her concentration is Developmental Psych. She was very kind though and now we even greet each other in the office. hehe :)

I also saw other people I know of who made the enrollment more interesting and even nostalgic, if I may. I met my Maskom friend, Jake who is also taking up his Masters in CSSP, while he was absent-mindedly seated on the floor along the corridor. Gah. I miss Masscom. Anyway, I also saw other TR employees there and an old friend back in UPLB. She was my dorm mate and coursemate. If I'm no mistaken her name is spelled "Eileen". She's a very pretty girl and always speaks with confidence. I haven't seen her for almost 4 years and meeting her in Diliman made me reminisce all the freshman days.

So there, my thoughts are probably so jumbled up in this post but please bear with me. I am still trying to calm myself down from all the adrenaline and tension I am feeling now that it's just a day away before classes start.


I hope this is going to be an excellent academic year for me. This may sound so cliche but I promise to be a better student than I was during my undergrad years.

Cheers to this and more!

AJA! Fighting! :D

I woke up with a heavy heart

I woke up this morning with a heavy heart. I’m not sure exactly why but I know where it came from. Last Friday night, I decided that I am going to watch the Korean drama series “The Moon Embracing the Sun”. And upon watching the first five episodes, I was crumbling in tears and my heart was breaking for such trivial things as the events in the drama’s plot.

Last night, I finished watching all 20 episodes and the moment I got up this morning, I couldn’t help but think about it more. Although dramas usually end in happy endings, I still ended up with so many emotions inside. I guess I am taking it very deeply and seriously but well, this is how it affected me.

In every TV drama I watch, I usually have more emotions invested in characters I can relate to. Well, maybe most of us do. And as for me, these characters are usually the unfortunate ones, the ones left behind, the ones set aside for another person, the ones with unrequited love.

Since I was introduced and came to love Psychology, I have always known myself better. I always think beyond what I feel, like the hidden motives I may have but have not recognized or the deeper reasons behind my judgment and my decisions. I’m not sure if this is good for me or if this is healthy even. But so far, it has helped me in a lot of ways. It has helped me to deal with my emotions, to have a better appreciation and understanding of things that come my way and most importantly, to learn and be true to myself.

I relate to these characters because in terms of romantic relationships, I feel that I have always been the unloved one, the one left behind, the one disregarded because of another, the one who looks from afar, loves from afar and hopes that someday, she’ll be noticed and be loved as well.

I may sound pathetic but during one of my rather serious conversations with one of my closest friends, we talked about being the ugly or the beautiful one. I know I have a lot of blessings to be thankful for and I am at a better situation than others but there are times when I feel sad not getting any attention from those I have always paid attention to. Then, she asked me if I had ever asked myself, “Why not me?”

And then it hit me. That was the question I never asked myself. I couldn’t. I feel far too blessed in my life, my family, my career to even compare myself to others. But I secretly had that questions dangling somewhere between my pride and my existence.

I can’t ask myself that question even now…because who am I to complain when I got almost everything I’ve wanted? My family is very supportive I’m financially stable for now; I’ve got a lot of good friends who are always there whenever, I have finished my studies and casually enjoying my life now that I have a good job.

But sometimes, I go home and feel lonely especially because I am distnaces away from my family. Although I have nothing against lovers, the more I am surrounded by people, the more I feel lonely, the more I see lovers on the streets, in public transportations and even in books and movies, I always feel more alone.

I know that life doesn’t revolve around romantic relationships and that there are always a lot of other things we can focus on, but there are always times when we just want to be held and to hold, to be cared for and to care for and most importantly, to love and be loved.

I used to believe that someday I will find that someone. I pray, sincerely prayed for that someone to come and be another source of bliss but I’ve always looked for him in people who were not meant to be with me.

Every time I give in, I give my heart away yet I always end up broken. Then I asked myself if there was something wrong with me. But they always make me believe that they are the reason and that the feelings were wrong. Until then, I believed I am not lucky with these kinds of things. Then, I came upon these words from a citizen commenting on unrequited love during a famous psychologist’s segment in an online site. He said that if it happens to you for three times, then the problem may not probably lie on the other person but on you.

I pondered on this, went through very conversation I had with those persons, tried to remember how I had acted in front of them, and realized my mistake. We should never expect to always find what we look for because then we’d be hurt if we find something else. We should never expect someone to love us back just because we loved them. We should never assume with just the smallest details, with all our biases and hopes running through the back of our minds. When you love, you always give a little of yourself and this you cannot take back. You only learn to find another side of you, another part of your heart that was born when you gave someone the part you used to have.

These many things I learned from all the pain and loneliness I went through. I know this might not compare to what others have experienced but I am happy that I have given those parts of me because I also freed myself from the many things that ensnared me before.

But I have given a fair share of myself that my heart was suddenly feeling empty because no new parts grew from of it. I somehow didn’t believe that I was capable of being loved anymore. I didn’t believe in marriage anymore. I know deep inside I still have these longings to be loved and to love but then I suddenly got scared. I was so scared of the future. I see people who desperately want to settle down but they have no one to settle down with. I was so scared of ending up alone that my heart fled from its true purpose, to hope and to believe.

Well, that may still be true today. I am still cared and somehow, I often feel that I am very difficult to love. Yes, I believe I am a very difficult woman, but a woman still.

I hope my heart wavers again and changes its course. I think I’m being too cynical about love and marriage at such a young age. I know things will get better and I will be better too. I just hope it would be sooner, when I still have this littlest of hope in my pocket and hope that I would wake up with a heavy heart but no longer alone.

revert

(May 18, 2013)

Last night was another first. My new TR friends, Rigel and Kat asked me if I wanted to come with them and have a few drinks because, after all, it was Friday. teheee. Friday. I know I'm moody and I've let a few friends down after turning down invites to drinks or movies after I've already agreed on going. There are days, or Fridays, yes, that I just want to go home asap, put on the most comfortable clothes, grab some chips and sola and watch my favorite series or TV shows. But there are also times when I'd rather not sleep on a Friday night and kill myself on booze and fun.

So, last night, we had an early dinner with my officemates because it was Karen's last day in the company. More of this here. We ate at 8065 Bagnet in Estrella, along Pasong Tamo. Their food is absolutely heavenly but utterly opposite their crews' attitude. Anyway, after the hefty dinner, I finally decided to go with Kat and Rigel for some drinks at a nearby bar. Rigel was suggesting we go to Central but I insisted we try Tides along J.P. Rizal. I was thinking of ordering just a few bottles of Antonov (my favorite vodka so far) but then we decided to order their promo cocktails.

I never realized how huge the place was even if I pass by it everyday, until we sat down and finally relaxed with the not-so-relaxing music they were playing. Rigel and Kat are closer than I was to them but luckily we had so much to talk about and college was definitely a common ground.

Actually, I haven't been drinking for the last year and my senses were approximating my usual alcohol tolerance back in college (when we regularly drank on Fridays). I was still sober until heavy rained poured and we had to go up the second floor for cover. We found ourselves a new table and old stories scattered with the cigarette smoke. I really enjoy getting to know people and seeing them let their guards down in front of me. I truly believe that the greatest stories are best told in the midst of alcohol. hihi

Because of my previous drinking sessions in college, I've come to love the idea of always being yourself and comfortably telling your friends what you feel, openly discussing things that would seem taboo or inappropriate for the very reserved and the conservatives and enjoying every moment, every story and every emotion that come my way.

I usually tend to be a people pleaser and I still do but I feel more comfortable now about myself. I've realized and have come to believe that you just have to be yourself, say what you feel, speak of your oppositions or praise and constructively criticize when you have to. I sincerely appreciate my friends who don't always try to make me feel comfortable and ask the most absurd questions or tell me I look hideous or insist their own opinions rather than those who always concede, try to be nice and go with the flow. Please, be more real.

Anyway, so after several drinks, more than I expected, i started to feel dizzy and my mind was completely losing sense, my body was losing balance. I was telling them I now had a fair share of shots and trying to laugh it off. Then it came to me and suddenly remembered feeling the same thing two or three years ago.

I forgot the date but it was one of those nights when, after dinner, we again decided to go for some drinks. We went to TK and upon entering the place, I saw a good friend and dorm mate Bong. He then offered me a glass of beer and challenged a bottoms up. And so i did. BOTTOMS UP! Then I sat with my friends and ordered our first round. A few moments later, Bong approached me again and challenged another bottoms up. Let me just tell you that the glass wasn't your usual tableware; I guess it could handle the same amount a regular Red Horse beer could. And so i did, again. BOTTOMS UP! Minutes later, his friend, Aman, whom I've known during the university elections, offered me another glass and another and another. Finally, they decided to go home after spending i-don't-want-to-know-how-many-hours there, leaving me with a tummy full of a little more than 8 glasses of beer, and obviously, drunk. But much less drunk, I guess, than my second overly intense and passionate encounter with alcohol.

It was my organization's final rites for our application process and we spent the night at a resort in Antipolo. I was having really nonsense (specifically, love) problems that time and irrationally thinking of getting intoxicated to get by. I think I vomited the day's meals and the night's booze. And I remember sinking into the bed, head first, and suddenly drowning into a dreamless sleep.

But last night was different. For a very brief moment, I felt that I've lost sense of everything except for my head's heaviness and finally decided to excuse myself to release the churning in my poor tummy moving up my dry mouth.

After that, i felt really good, actually, and equally sleepy. We then decided to go home and upon entering my room, like I did back then, I vaguely remember taking off my boots, changing my clothes, and slumping into my bed like a rabbit finally finding it's hole.

Rigel and Kat, you guys are awesome and just to let you know, you are one of the very few people to see me like that. Congratulations! hahahaha! You can now talk about me behind my back. Only if you'd dare. *evil grin*


the sober and not-so-sober me,
jen ^__^

here we go again...

Because I've always left my thoughts unkempt, I made this new blog to at least keep a record of those almost brilliant, absurdly random and creative ideas my brain concocts.

And for future references, I'd like to be reminded of how I was before and if I've made any progress as my pre-frontal cortex (biologically-wise) did.

Here I am again, trying another attempt at writing, my true love.