through these glass walls

*wrote this for my future self to reflect on whenever I doubt or lose grip

I’ve always thought that once you know what you want to do with your life and that you are dedicated in achieving it, you will eventually succeed. But maybe, not always.

I’m 23, almost. I know what I want. I know where I want to go. I know what I want to do. But at this point in my life when everything seems to be perfect for my goals, my dreams, I just feel disconnected. I feel so lost.

I want to become a clinical psychologist and I want to be good at it, if not the best. And I want to do this because I want to help people who can’t seem to help themselves. I am currently enrolled in the MA program in Psychology in UP and taking two classes this semester. I have a stable job. I have a very loving and supportive family. I have the best set of friends and I am physically healthy and well.

With these things in mind, how can I not have the motivation and the perseverance to pursue this thing that I want?

 And somehow it struck me that this could be it. This lack of excitement in life that bores me and keeps me wanting for more even if I generally have everything I need and want in life. 

Yes, I am twisted and damaged in many ways but I more aware of myself and who I am more than anyone else. I am not taking up Psych because I want to learn more about myself because I know myself, even more than I should. And also, it is not healthy to want to help others when you, yourself doesn’t even understand or know who you are.

The problem maybe lies within this self-awareness; that I know I am a very active person, an extrovert and that I am in constant need of human interaction, craving for new knowledge and exploration of something exciting or simply fun. I know I am lucky to have a job especially in this time and place where most people are either unemployed or underemployed. In my case, I believe I belong to the latter. I hate my job is the understatement of the century. I hate it. I kills me to not have a reason to get up really early every morning – forcing my clothes on and recklessly dragging my body to work. It’s exhausting and I don’t want to lead such meaninglessness at this age when I am most ideal and bursting with energy towards the most curious of ideas, thoughts, experiences. 

I feel trapped in these glass walls of the office, choking to the death of my youth. And it scares me that one day, I would ask myself what happened to these supposedly wonderful years of my 20s.

It was my choice and I don’t regret it, I never will. But leaving this job is also another choice, an ultimately difficult one. I know I will be leaving this company soon, probably next year. I’ve finally decided on that. I don’t see the point in it any longer. More so, I am not happy anymore.

Although I used to be cynical about happiness being the true measure of success, now I understand it and appreciate it more. I know it sounds so cliché but it is true. These digits on your payroll, the title on your desk – they really don’t matter. What’s important is that you don’t lose yourself whilst achieving your dreams. And in the end, happiness is the true measure of our success.

I do hope I regain the motivation and the drive I’ve had during the start of the semester. And I hope that the next job I get would make me remember my 20s in high hopes and immense fervor.